Props to Pokerwolf for hooking me up with this gem.
Me: “Thank you for calling ***, this is Bill in the breast aesthetics department. How may I help you?”
Customer: “My left boob popped.”
Me: “Okay, so the implant failed?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Me: “Are your implants silicone gel or saline?”
Customer: “The water kind.”
Me: “So, we’ve had a saline deflation. I need to ask you some questions in regards to how it may have deflated.”
Customer: “Why, don’t you believe me?”
Me: “Of course I believe you, but as part of making our implants even better and evaluating where under the device’s warranty this falls, I need to know what may have led up to the implant’s leak.”
Customer: “Oh, so you think this is my fault?! You make a crappy implant and you have the nerve to blame me?”
Me: “Wait, wait. First, I didn’t make your implant, my company did. I’m here to help you get this fixed in the fastest way possible and that starts with finding out how the implant deflated.”
Customer: “So you want to know what I did to screw them up, is that right? I spend a fortune on these things to be walking around with a flat tire of a tit and you think it’s my fault?”
Me: “No, ma’am. I simply need to know how to cover this under your warranty, to see how much money we are going to give you to fix the problem. We give you a check for money to fix the problem if you’ll just answer my questions. What do you remember doing when you first noticed the deflation in your breast?”
Customer: “Me and my boyfriend were playing sex hide-and-seek in the house and he though it would be more fun if my boobs glowed. So, he used a needle tube to insert little red lights into them… what do you call those little glowing lights? It’s like three letters?”
Me: “… A diode?”
Customer: “Yes. He’s a trained professional… he uses them on animals at his job all the time.”
Me: “So, your boyfriend punched a hole in your chest and tried inserting a diode inside the implant?”
Customer: “Well, not in my chest. Just on the top side of my boob so it wouldn’t hurt. He numbed it first.”
Me: “… And this is the implant’s fault, how?”
Customer: “It started leaking and getting flat.”
Me: *laughing* “I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I’m recording this and no one is going to believe me!”
Customer: *click*
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